i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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