there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
