If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
