so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize