I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
