I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
