so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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