Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
