I accidentally had phone sex last night
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
