My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
