God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
