I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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