i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
