I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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