I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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