Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize