did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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