He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize