I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
