I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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