I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
