Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
