When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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