Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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