you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
