his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
