The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
