So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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