ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
