The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
