I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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