sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she peed on how many people?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
