Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
