Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize