Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
