Don't make out with my wife yet
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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