Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
