you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
