Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I met the friendliest cop last night
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
