I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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