everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
