Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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