I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
