apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
