It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
