i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
