friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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