I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
