I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
