I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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