she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
