stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
