my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize