oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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