i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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